Remembering

The mind is a funny thing.

Most days, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday. And I can’t remember whether I wore the same outfit to church 2 weeks ago.

But I’ll never forget the look on my husband’s face when, 11 years ago today, he walked into my hospital room to tell me that our son didn’t make it.  When I left the room after he was born, he was alive.  But an hour and a half later, he was not.

I also remember the hospital wallpaper melting from all the pain medication I was on.

And I remember the birth certificate registrar coming into my room and, after looking around and seeing no baby, asking me if he was down in the nursery.  And I remember her leaving the room quickly and not coming back after I quietly told her where he really was.

And I remember calling my only friend at the time to tell her what happened and see if she could stay with me that night in the hospital so my husband could go take care of our 2-year-old son.  But she had plans for the evening with friends.  Maybe tomorrow?

And I remember having to tell my mom what had happened over the phone.  She was in Europe.  Day 3 of a month-long trip that she and her girlfriends had been saving for 5 years in order to take.  And I remember telling her not to come home, even though she threatened to multiple times.  I found out a few months ago that she still hasn’t looked at the pictures from that trip.  Remembering can be a painful thing.

But I also remember the comforting music being played over the loud speakers – “How Marvelous Is Your Name” – even though no one heard it but me.

And I remember the outpouring of love I felt from my church and from people that I didn’t even know.  For weeks.

And I remember laying on the couch, the day I came home from the hospital, and my 2-year-old son putting his hand on my arm and telling me “Mommy, it will be ok.”

It’s funny the things you remember 11-years later.  But I’m thankful for the memories, good and bad.

And I’m thankful that God has used Jonah’s short life to drastically change our life.

Before he was born, we were making a lot of money and spending it as fast as we could.  I rarely saw my husband because he was working 80-90 hours a week.  Couldn’t turn down that money.  But after Jonah was born, it all changed.  Our focus became our family.  And while that has presented its share of financial challenges over the years, my kids know that their dad is always there, always around. And that is worth all the money in the world.

And I’m also thankful that God has used my experience with Jonah to help other women who have found themselves in the same place. Somehow, someway, it seems to help to see someone who has the same battle scars as you, still moving forward.

So today,  I remember you, my sweet baby boy, and am thankful for how beautifully you have touched our hearts and our lives.  I can’t wait to see you again.

“Though you were only with us a short time, you will be in our hearts forever.”

PS. Through everything with Jonah, as a musician, music was my husband’s one true comfort.  Several years later, he went into the studio and recorded all of that music and released it on CD – “After the Rain“.  If you know of anyone that has lost a child or is struggling for any reason, please contact me.  I would love to send you a free copy to share with them in the hope that it will provide them comfort, as it did for us.

8 thoughts on “Remembering

  1. Thank you for sharing so eloquently what is in your heart today. I’m truly sorry that you, your family had to suffer the of the loss of your son and I can not imagine what heartache you endured. The photo of your husband and children in this post is a beautiful image. Through your strength and your love of God and family, you and your husband made some tough choices but I have no doubt they will prove to be the right choices for your children. Through your example they will learn that the security which money can provide us with can never replace that which comes from love and family. Sadly, so many people come to learn that too late in life. God bless you and your family always.

    P.S. I think it is very kind of you to offer your husband’s CD to those who are struggling. I clicked the link and listened to your husband’s music. It is lovely and made me think back to when we lost our brother. My parent’s never spoke of him after his death yet whenever my Dad would lay on the couch with stereo headsets on, listening to his favourite LP’s we knew that he was thinking of his son. Music brings such comfort doesn’t it.

    • Thank you for always taking the time to reply. It really means a lot.

      I’m sorry to hear about your brother. It has taken my mom almost 6 years to really be able to talk about my brother’s death. Music is such a gift that can cover so many different emotions. I’m so thankful for it.

      Please email me your address. I’d love to send you one. =)

  2. I just found your blog through Twitter.
    First I have to say your cookies are gorgeous!

    Our stories are so similar, I just had to comment.
    Down to the melting wallpaper and the age of our sons.

    And instead of the birth certificate registrar, for me….the Welcome Wagon.
    They later called me at home to apologize for upsetting me.
    My heart is pounding now just thinking about it.

    I too use music as therapy, as well as gardening. It was what I turned to in my grief and find much comfort in it now.

    Amazing how just one day can change your life so drastically. And how we are so much stronger then we ever expected.

    I hope you and your family have a wonderful weekend.

    • Thank you so much for posting this.

      I hope that you have been able to find peace in your situation.

      If you are interested, email me. I’d love to send you a CD.

      And you are absolutely right about hidden strength. My husband and I now know that if we could survive that, we can survive anything.

      Thank you again.

  3. I am so touched by your post. The loss of a loved one can bring such sense into our lives. I wish I could have been there that night with you. I do not know you in person, but your words so well written make me want to comfort you even these many tears later. Thank you for sharing. Mercedes

  4. I just stumbled onto your blog today and read your story about your sweet baby boy! I am so sorry but you are so right about God and the lessons He teaches us everyday. I too used to be all about the money until my baby boy was born…I was 35. I quit my job and stayed home with him and am finishing my teaching degree. I now know that family is so much more important than money. Your little angel is watching over you all and I know you will see his sweet fact again one day! :)

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