The mind is a funny thing.
Most days, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday. And I can’t remember whether I wore the same outfit to church 2 weeks ago.
But I’ll never forget the look on my husband’s face when, 11 years ago today, he walked into my hospital room to tell me that our son didn’t make it. When I left the room after he was born, he was alive. But an hour and a half later, he was not.
I also remember the hospital wallpaper melting from all the pain medication I was on.
And I remember the birth certificate registrar coming into my room and, after looking around and seeing no baby, asking me if he was down in the nursery. And I remember her leaving the room quickly and not coming back after I quietly told her where he really was.
And I remember calling my only friend at the time to tell her what happened and see if she could stay with me that night in the hospital so my husband could go take care of our 2-year-old son. But she had plans for the evening with friends. Maybe tomorrow?
And I remember having to tell my mom what had happened over the phone. She was in Europe. Day 3 of a month-long trip that she and her girlfriends had been saving for 5 years in order to take. And I remember telling her not to come home, even though she threatened to multiple times. I found out a few months ago that she still hasn’t looked at the pictures from that trip. Remembering can be a painful thing.
But I also remember the comforting music being played over the loud speakers – “How Marvelous Is Your Name” – even though no one heard it but me.
And I remember the outpouring of love I felt from my church and from people that I didn’t even know. For weeks.
And I remember laying on the couch, the day I came home from the hospital, and my 2-year-old son putting his hand on my arm and telling me “Mommy, it will be ok.”
It’s funny the things you remember 11-years later. But I’m thankful for the memories, good and bad.
And I’m thankful that God has used Jonah’s short life to drastically change our life.
Before he was born, we were making a lot of money and spending it as fast as we could. I rarely saw my husband because he was working 80-90 hours a week. Couldn’t turn down that money. But after Jonah was born, it all changed. Our focus became our family. And while that has presented its share of financial challenges over the years, my kids know that their dad is always there, always around. And that is worth all the money in the world.
And I’m also thankful that God has used my experience with Jonah to help other women who have found themselves in the same place. Somehow, someway, it seems to help to see someone who has the same battle scars as you, still moving forward.
So today, I remember you, my sweet baby boy, and am thankful for how beautifully you have touched our hearts and our lives. I can’t wait to see you again.
“Though you were only with us a short time, you will be in our hearts forever.”
PS. Through everything with Jonah, as a musician, music was my husband’s one true comfort. Several years later, he went into the studio and recorded all of that music and released it on CD – “After the Rain“. If you know of anyone that has lost a child or is struggling for any reason, please contact me. I would love to send you a free copy to share with them in the hope that it will provide them comfort, as it did for us.